filter fantasy

lounging around and glad it is Friday.
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the crap season

Lauren had a little of her drama. Not as much as most years. but still. Spent Christmas day taking mom to see dad. he was kinda out of it. Still, I had to spend the entire day. This past weekend was another long one, and I was again forced to spend an entire day taking care of mom. I took Lauren and Violet with me to make it more fun. But fuckin whole day to take care of her crap. 2 hours plus driving, two hours there at minimum to make it worth the drive. and still she complains. fuck me and my life.

Mike is an asshole. He started getting weak about three days ago. hard to get up off of couch. Of course, did he make the couch taller for his butt? no, that would be doing something in my house. Has he finished fixing up the bedroom so that we could move in a bed? ha! no fucking way. He would rather sit and play on his phone all day long promoting the hatred he subscribes to. Monday night he was sorta bad shape. Yesterday I could not reach him all day. I come home to his shit filled bareass kneeling on all four on the floor. maybe 2 feet from the phone to call someone, but would he do that? nooooooo too much effort. I had to clean him up, get him off the floor, get fluids into him because that shit wasn’t his only one of the day, clean up the shit everywhere in the house, get him back to reality, and then into agreeing to go to hospital. He would not. He slept in my bed with me, got up twice to go to bathroom, pee I guess, and pissed the bed too, fever was really high. 4am. I called out of work at 5:30 after I finally got him into bathroom to pee and then on to couch again. That took over an hour. he may have been delirious, or just being stubborn like dad was. Just like caring for him. fuck fuck fuck. He was stronger this morning, now he is back to being weak. He will not go to hospital, but I cannot keep picking him up like this. washing his shit clothes and blankets and towels now. Have to feed him again soon and get liquids into him. And he will probably short me again this month. fuckin bastard.

stall thoughts

im sitting in a stall and thinking. Billy wont be coming to Christmas Eve dinner, “going another route” Fine. be like that. After travelling north every year almost, i want it to be here. so it will be. i want it to be at my house though. not at lauren’s. she is in her usual holiday bitch mode. so much drama and sickness. every fucking year. i dont choose to participate in it anymore.
 i will only make a few kapusta pierogis this year. the rest will be from the pierogi queen in enfield. very delicious, better than mine. just need to buy fish, make a stuffing, some potatoes, broccoli, appetizers and some dinner mints and a few other things. im done.
 yeah christmas day i take mom to see dad. bring her a few pieeogis too. that will be enough. i want to ride. i need to ride.
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time to get busy

the past month or so has been a blur. work is cool, we moved out to the trailers, and it is a pain, but we get to officially park in the summer garage, no more employee shuttle or that long walk. takes 10 minutes off the commute home.

Dad was in hospital all last week. He had a fall, then had his big belly looked at cuz he said he hurt. eventually found diverticulitis, and gallstones. He is back at green springs. I should call today to find out how he is doing. Thanksgiving was weird, had it at lauren’s and just not the same. I did all the work so she did not “stress” the little fragile drunk. I won’t do it again there. My place no no place. Christmas will be a pain too. mike headed to jersey, and lauren probably even more I don’t want to do anything cuz Im pregnant and stressed. I don’t even know if we will have xmas eve dinner now. I will have to go take mom to see dad, and then do something for her dinner. I have the day after off, and I think I will ride and sleep. Taking the day before the weekend too. I just want to rest as well. 

I’ve been riding every weekend, I need to for my sanity. I really want to do some sort of biking tour this year.Build the old crescent up and see if it is rideable. I know what I need for equipment on it, so just have to do it. Right after holidays.

Mike is shorting me every month. starting to get old, and I need the money! asshole. If it wasn’t for his crappy internet, I would ask him to leave. As soon as I have my car paid off, I will do that. I am ahead on paying it. Feels good to be ahead on it.

physically, that fall I took has really started to show me there are things that i just cannot do any longer. That is OK.

And I have not seen him.

praying for us

the nasty person is going to be our president. his election has already released his nasty followers to unleash their hatred upon those who are different than the white uneducated pigs. it has been all over. and it has gotten me to the point that I am saying fuckit to the peace and love thing. i must fight these ignorant fucks. in every place, whether in public or silently. Starting with joining a campaign for the senator we have now who is going to be targeted by nra. start by seeking out disruption forces, and joining them. start by not being afraid to show my affiliations. fuck them the rotten core of our country. 

not much to say

past month was a blur. rode, crashed and sliced my ankle. also more severely hurt my shoulder. my elbow on the same arm has not improved, I think it will only get better with a different setup on the bike.

Not seen mr mr. Not made a real effort either. but that is ok. I will see him this month somehow. jerk face has been that. but handy to have around to fix car when it is broke. so next one occupying the position had better be a decent wrench. 

my little granddaughter is growing and getting more people-y. Talking to the point where I can understand her better. adventurous and funny, and a happy kid. Lauren is still having bouts with her drinking, she will always be that way, I have to accept that. I hate it for her child. She may be pregnant again. that will keep her from drinking for 9 more months, and for a while after so she can nurse. but I always fear for the call. 

I want to go away. supposed to go to Maine this weekend, with my limited funds. the car breaking the other day kinda put that on the back burner. so it is still something I want to do this year. see the ocean at dawn. or see the mountains at dawn. not the stupid street lights. we will get there

with whom though? 

what a year

yeah, the past year and some has been wonderful. with the exception of not seeing mr mr, it is good. the summer of my 63rd year is good. lots of bike rides, all winter even, fun with my granddaughter who is running circles around me, the paul mc cartney concert, baseball games with john and our constant conversations, the yankee game sitting in the sports bar on the hottest day of the year. yeah. now to take the momentum into the autumn and keep riding when I can, keep pursuing the elusive mr mr, and develop some new skills. yeah

The autumn is coming

My daughter’s 37th birthday is today. That is always the first sign of autumn. I had to wear longsleeves on my ride the past two nights. Just a week ago it was blazing hot!
 Sometimes my rides are just beautiful. Last night as I was nearing the end of my ride, the air was the smell of a meadow at sunset, when the first evening dew is settling in, and a cool breeze slides over your legs as they pedal home. It was delightful. My rides have been wonderful this year. I am so much my cycling. It is my soul
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quite a few emotions

The house closed Tuesday. no longer the baker family homestead. time marches on. sad. relieved that I don’t have to look after it anymore.

went to NYC saturday for yankee game, extremely hot and humid but was in the sports bar. nice. except for the asshole company. saw star trek beyond sunday with jed, good movie.

and now I am sitting here finishing up dad’s title19 and not riding tonight. riding during that heat wave we just suffered thru was nonexistent. way too hot. looks better for more nice nice temps this coming week and weekend. so I will ride. time to do some power work, speed work to take the fitness in to  the winter.  ha ha.

and me, i keep chooglin

memories and tears

i went to granby house Saturday. check it out after the clean out. it is closing next tuesday. I was in it for about 5 minutes and the tears began to flow. the memories of things, of dad mainly. even with nothing in the house, the memories were overpowering. I left quickly. I think I may have left in the house, the old scrapbooks. oh well. they are gone. I do have boxes of photos, which I will eventually make sorted. but the school pictures, the report cards, the momentos, gone. 

i have been limping along, have to get dad’s title19 redetermination done. that will occupy my time the next few days. I won’t ride my bike until I have arranged the papers, and see what I have to get from bank. reward myself afterwards with normal living again. normal. yeah right.

lauren has been drinking a bit again. that is heartbreaking for my granddaughters sake, but there is really nothing I can do about it. I could confront her, but then I would never see Violet until lauren got straight. saying something might push her over again. I hate this walking on eggshells with her. it is what it is. life.