Three bags full

Dumped three bags of old papers from mike’s office. Made me feel good to at least start it. Found a note from his ex unopened, seems she called me “that thing”. In 2011. 11 years after he moved in. Must be terrible to hang on to bitterness and hate(?) for so long. Being stuck like that is pitiful. I feel sorry for the woman. Nah. Bitter loser bitch. If she loved him she would have moved north with him. Enough with that. I have no qualms now about throwing his shit out. He was never truthful with me.

Camping this weekend. Cannot wait!!!

The work that must be done

I really need to get down to the business of clearing out his crap, and my crap if i want to be out of here by winter. But i cant seem to do anything. Frozen, tired, and wanting to live as i have always lived.

She has been staying sober but seems to be getting the itch. Wont be long now.

Did a hike with ll bean group yesterday. Nice but my dizziness was in full swing. Might be because we went at a pretty fast clip. Not my style.

Now for sunday family day.

Calm

The girl stayed sober yesterday. It seems she really wants to stay that way. Saying different things like she knows she has to do the meetings daily probably the rest of her life. Im just being cautious for any big upset that comes up. Will she go off as usual?

So very tired here. I think i will go home after work and just chill and maybe nap. The stress of the past few weeks has been wearing me down. I really hope the dear can do it this time.

A week of no stress stress

She left before i was in bed monday night. I didnt know until tuesday when i got home. No word all week. Got bothered bu her aunt about her posting some suicide crap again. She came home yesterday. All sorry and never happening again she has had it, this time she realizwd she had hurt people. Going back to her program if she can and do meetings too. We will see how long this one lasts. I give it two weeks. Says she needs to set up a routine. Like i have been telling her all her life.

No ride over the weekend. Saturday was mom day and sunday rain again and friggin cold. Hoping for tonight but looks like rain again. Some day

Remains the same

Still drinking herself to passout. Had a good job then they changed their mind. She says it is unfair. I can say nothing. The fact that she posts all her dirt on facebook and she now has such a long record of drinking at work, does it surprise me? She cant understand. She never will. As long as she goes into the room and leaves me alone i dont care. Nothing i can do.

Mom got granted the title 19. Such a relief. Now i can get going on clearing the house. Be outta there by end of year. I am ready to change my life. No more mike so no more reason to have the huge house. I cant care for it. Dont want to. Time to become me again.

Probably will pick up my riding now too. A change in tv programming times and no reason to sit to watch. Uggh oh well.

Time to travel on.

Neverending

She has been coming home sober. But drinking again once home. She will never stop. I have to get her out of my house and out of my life. I cannot live in fear that she will get upset some night and go on a rampage. Gotta get her out.

Teeth

I gots me some new ones. I’ll have to get used to the lowers, talking is not good have to practice. But they fit so much better than the temp ones. Have to see if i can eat with them. If not, then when i sell the house i will put money aside for implants. Get 4 post lowers.

Another night without the drunk. Makes my life easier.

I am really getting to a point that i want to retire. Im not sure if i can make it til 70. I want to sell the house and find my forever home, somewhere quiet. And small. And sit all day long doing nothing at all. So fuckin tired of doing going doing going. I want quiet and only seeing people when I want to. Yeah doc doubled my anti depressant dose. Now to get into therapy. Before i go insane.

Enough whining for tonight

Erasing

So am i supposed to just erase him from my life? His bills keep coming in. I want to just throw them out. I cant do anything and he was broke. Should i send them to his brother to forward to whomever will take care of his probate. Who knows. I sure don’t.

Liar liar

I cleaned the room of her empties. I dont think she has been sober as much as i thought before. I told her to find a place. She said she would sleep in her car. That is fine with me. Drunks are often homeless as no one wants to deal with them. Her room reeks of dirty feet and empty booze bottles. Disgusting.

Gotta get going today. Ride. Clear yard of sticks and try to get lawn mower running. Ugggh

Been quiet

She got drunk over weekend but stayed away from me. Tuesday she got another shot and has been tolerable. Sober. I think. I don’t know anymore. Just want the quiet of widowhood.