Archive for rant rant rant

when the winter isn’t a winter

except that the political arena is turning into a nuclear winter. The fascist is doing all he said he would do, very quickly. putting in place people who are not qualified for their jobs. I remotely suspect in order to fire them. already fired the attorney general he asked to stay on from Obama. my lord where would I start? probably the most sensitive for me would be selling our public lands. and promoting drilling on other public lands. he seems hell bent on keeping oil alive. There is so much more profit in solar, and wind. non-depleting sources. but he wants to reward people. for what who knows. I feel we are in the beginning of a long march back to neanderthal times in the US> the minority bible thumper will get their way with things. It will be hard to come back. but I will start to mobilize. and arm.

well so far

This has been a fucking mistake. Maybe with another day he will be ok. Was ok yesterday and last night. Ate a good dinner. watched TV. Bill came over and talked, and interacted. Went to bed. Heard not a peep all night, yes I woke up every 2 hours, so I am a wee bit tired.

Comes time to get up this morning, I ask him to get up and get dressed, he apparently peed the bed last night. Well, that is where it begins. Refuses to get up, refuses to even talk to anyone other than to say get away from him. He is lying naked in bed, his nurse is past due for her visit. But what is the point if he refuses to get up. He is refusing his medication, I had to take hi purposely limp hand to get his sugar reading.

Is it dementia? Is it his lifelong stubbornness and meanness that is doing it? He will not even tell me if he is in pain. Won’t say a word. It is very very very frustrating. My heart is acting up big time since yesterday. The stress is through the roof. 

And I do not know what to do. No idea what to do at all. If I cannot get him up out of bed, how am I to get him to the doctor for a visit? How would I get him to a home facility? This is pissing me off too. Why is it MY JOB TO DO THIS?

I even have to give up visiting Jed today cuz of the asshole. I am getting more an more worked up the longer I type. so I will stop now. Do some cleaning or packing or whatever. Busy work. I hate this shit! I wish he had died back in April when he was on the floor.  It would have been better for everyone including him.

when is it my turn huh?

just getting frustrated. can’t have my own life, I am tied down to this caregiving. I think that since dad does not need to go on insulin, starting 8/1, I will be doing three days a week up there. maybe Sun/Mon/Tues. move my computers back to norwich so I can get proper work done, maybe even ramp things up a bit. I’ll be done with my rental of this place group88.

Storm coming

It’s just that they are so stuck in their ways, will not try things, will not listen, will not change their life. I have to get them to do their blood sugar monitoring. that is tough, because they forget. conveniently. Don’t seem to forget to eat meals, but their finger sticks, and their medications, yup, they forget that.

I am going to go to Colorado as planned, just maybe for not as long of a stay out there. Maybe have chris stick the camper over at stagecoach, and I can get some gourmet meals into the cooler. go fishing for a few days, and do some picture taking. That may recharge my soul a bit.

and so… now I really really have to get work done and out the door…

oh irritable me

Took the dad to Dr yesterday morning, no insulin shots so that is good news. Puts things into the air though. If I am not here monitoring and regulating what he eats, the sugar will go sky high again. He just will not change his ways. But I cannot stay here. The TV yesterday, ALL FUCKING DAY long drove me batty. I took them out for lunch and a drive, just to get away from the noise. But the rest of the day I had to endure it. Endure is a good word. Last night it was next to unbearable. He turned it off at 10, thank god. I was sleeping like a baby by 11. So nice to finally have some quiet here. Today I will go to that office that I spent so much money for, as my getaway. I want to ride as well today. Mom will make dinner, and they have food for the day. It’s just that once I am done with my day, I will still have to endure the noise this evening. That is unbearable. And depressing to even think about right now.

It’s the usual quiet morning here, the planes started at 6am. and the traffic on the street has picked up. At least it is not the dozen or so school busses.

Now for my day. No thoughts today. Just work. no thoughts at all. If that place had a nice couch, I’d be reading there. Maybe I do some starbucks tonight to read. Anything to escape this noise. anything.

that first peep

Been up since around 2. that was when I heard dad shuffling around in the kitchen. I guess I went to bed early, the TV was on and I could not do any work, so…

Just now I heard the first peeps from some early rising birdie. oh joy. now I really am not going to be able to go back to sleep. And it will suck big time all day long. Have to go see Jed today, that is a long drive, and the visiting room is so friggin loud too. Not great. I think I am going to tell him every other week for visit, cuz now it is far away. If I was home, it would be no problem. God i miss being home. I think after Monday and the Dr assessment of his diabetes, I may decide to go back home. Let them live how they want to, and if it means they pass, they pass.

They are both too stubborn or lazy I can not figure out which right now. When I did finally get them up yesterday morning, mom was again all out of it, and I had to get her started again. She does not understand about eating properly, or regular or the snack thing. She is lazy, will not get out of her damned chair all day long. I plopped a bunch of laundry down in the chair Thursday evening, I can home yesterday afternoon, it was still there. And all the dishes were still there in the sink. Both just sat on their asses all day long. Oh her back hurts her. Yes it feels better if she takes tylenol. but she does not take tylenol. I asked her if Aleve makes it feel better, and she said yes, actually better, but she is allergic to it. I ask her how she found out about that and she said one time she took it and had bumps on her back. One time. she is a hypochondriac. She always has been. She likes to suffer.

Crap, it seems all I do is bitch about them.

Went to group88 yesterday to work, got only a little bit of work done. Not sure why, but… the desk situation is not good, the desk I was on yesterday was more like a skinny table. Almost the right height, but not deep enough to be a desk. I am going to ask about a different desk. I think as soon as that is squared away, I can do real work there. I have to try to get some stuff done this weekend, but I doubt that will happen, with the TV noise and such. Sucks.

try to go back to bed for a little bit now.. I can see outside, oh joy. dawn is coming. yay…

ooo child things are going to get easier

yeah right

Mom forgot to snack after eating last night and she had a cheddar cheese sandwich for lunch, late. fatty food like these before you eat dinner, a lean lo carb dinner, helps to keep that sugar low. So around 10, she was woozy. had to pump her with OJ. I have not yet tried to get her up this morning. I thought that yesterday morning she was a bit low, but was not, actually a bit high. I suspect that she ate something when she got up, before I knew she was up. All the signs were there though. Not wanting to get up, pee bed etc…

I am not a fucking nurse. I am getting really tired of this. really really tired.

Now I have to wait until I have them up and running before I can go into the office to get work done. Fucking wonderful. It’s fucking 9am and they are both still in bed. This so totally totally sucks. Fuck this.

chasing down money

I really really wish that clients would pay on time. Yeah, I get to work in my jammies if I want, and don’t have a nasty commute in the winter, or have to deal with office politics, but trying to get my money from clients, especially long-time clients who think you can wait a month to get paid, is the darkside of being self employed in a creative business.

Scan

I need to eat, and I have two clients who are being moved to the “retainer for my services” mode because of their consistent late payment. One told me over a week ago he’d pay his meager bill. He was away at the time. He pays by paypal, and has an iphone and ipad and laptop, and could simply open up one of them and pay. Now I have to get nasty and send him his third request. This sucks. It’s not like he is poor, his services START at $100/hr. And is ALWAYS busy. But for some reason he treats my services as not important. HATE THIS PART OF THE BUSINESS! First invoice went out on Mar. 15, then again 27th, and April 3. Damn, so this is his 4th notice. It is a bill for fucking $50! that’s it?

When you get so tired

Decided to do what i have been saying i would do: finished bringing zenfishing.com/break totally over here, pointed both posterous spaces here, and deleted the entire zenfishing.com site. At least until i can figure out what to do with it.

So for posting from ipad, using blogsy. It keeps fucking crashing. Think i will try thebdefault wp app.

And i am tired. Oh so tired of having to do so much for others. Driving lauren everywhere. Going to granby and driving mom to doctors and pt. so tired. I hope i don’t burn out,that does no one any good. But today i feel that is what is happening. I need to focus on my business, on getting things done. On getting business in the door. So much. At times i think i need to just go take a real job. And work on select projects. Then no one will assume that since i am “home” i can just go do things.

Think i am just being bitchy. No, being real me. My back hurts

 

sometimes you just hafta

It’s the official “end of summer” weekend. And I think back to the “start of summer” weekend, and a tear comes to my eye for Jed. But… Sigh. Been back to my old habit of falling to sleep with music on. It is like some sort of security blanket for me. Listening to slacker radio’s americana station. Nice and mellow. Lauren and Daryl crashed his truck last nite… See? I knew there was going to be another bad thing happen. I cannot wait to see when this crap is going to end. It is wearing on me, greatly. If I could have just skipped this year, I’d be ok with that. I just want a hug from my son.

 On the road, somewhere.
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Posted via email from zenfishing’s envisionages of delightful thoughts and sorrowful realities or how I learned to love my film camera once again.

yes, she is still alive

but being a bit depressed, so not posting. financially it has been very rough, with a vampire sucking my limited funds dry, but I will not go into that one, it will be resoved this week and then it will never happen again. oh ok.

Anyway,

http://vimeo.com/3437393

yup. March 2nd and there is new snow on the ground. sucks