Archive for life sucks – Page 2

the return

he came back may 1. has been here, mooching off of me, the one who cannot afford it. He has not really improved in his criticizing me all the time. he has left my dishes for me to wash, but washes his dishes. until it comes to what he cooks in. He’s left that for me now, for 3 days. I will not wash them, he would not wash what I cook in. So they sit. He is fixing my car, at his own leisurely pace. I gave him $100 for parts he has spent maybe 30 of that and of course is broke now. I just bought a new part that will finally fix the radiator problem. One that he misdiagnosed from the start. I told him it was a hose. and what is it? a hose. last night I asked what was for dinner, he said, give me some money and I will go get it. Again, I had to pay for his food. makes me so much wanting to ask him to leave again. I think I can afford it and if not, I will be in the process of clearing out the house and selling it.

but enough. I have not ridden in some time, it has been raining and also, I have no car. I am dying to ride.

I was really sick with flu two weeks ago. delirious and in pretty bad shape. did he come in to the bedroom to see how I was? to ask if I needed anything? to offer to make me a soup or broth or get me water? no. fucking asshole.

I did lose 8 pounds, which was OK. If I can keep it off, or at was most of it off, that will be a nice side benefit. but next year, I am getting a flu shot. and shingles vaccine, and pneumonia shot. I won’t go through those three days again.

work

uggh I like the job, but get so friggin bored. meh.

I am planning on a photo month. June. should be nice.

I so much want to see Mr mr

and still the beat goes on

He came up two weeks ago. stayed until Monday. did not move out any shit, did not take care of anything he had to. So I am still here with his tons of crap, expected to take care of it. I will, straight to the trash.He did build Violets swing set. 

and me, I keep choogling along. Wondering how long I can hold out. I need companionship even if it is in the form of someone sleeping on the couch in the other room. A fact that he could have changed if he had just gone out and bought a bed, and put it in Jed’s old bedroom. but no, he has to be the martyr.

work is work. bike rides have been hard to come by since I am busy cleaning house to change it around andy get rid of junk so that if I need to move out, I can do it fast.

and i go on

speed demons

Im watching some evening clouds run across the sky like they are being chased by dragons. It is almost dark out and i sit waiting to see if mr mr shows up to honor my simple request. To at least return the money. He wont. I should be finishing my taxes so the money does not bother me as much. But I wont. At least I bought some shocktop. Make me feel a bit better.

When in my life will I get a break. When?

Fool

I have been a fool. So very much. What fools go off and do is write music about being a fool. I dont write music. I dont sing music. I dont perform or make music. I absorb music. But in absorbtion, no one else can help. No one else can colloborate. No one else can feel it. I have been such a fool. So much wasted time.
 
 
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mr mr and a state of disrepair

the latest first.

I cruised last night and he was parked. pretty early, like 8pm. I put weed money and a note on his car and went to watch from a distance. This guy came out to the roof, and I recognized him as the one mr mr hangs with. yup, he walked to the car and climbed inside. about 20 minutes later mr mr comes on out. and goes to car. I left. I am either out that money, or this weekend or next thursday I will have some weed.

so he is gay and it is not like I didn’t know. or he just likes to hang with younger men who supply him with weed maybe? I dunno. just a slap in the face to wake up. I had been slipping back into the fantasy world. I need to ride to clear things up. Tomorrow.

Last week, my car broke a front spring and I was without car for a few days, all weekend too. It was tough, but it was ok. The money spent was a lot, my vacation and or denture money. So I really did not have it to giveaway lat night, I hope my trust won’t be played. I just really don’t need anymore disappointments, or troubles.

Lauren has been drinking again. her last bout that she said was just christmas, was in fact from sum me onward and she never really quit. This time she may have quit. not sure. Now I stress about that too. Jed is drinking again, but he is in New Haven and not driving so he can do what he wants with his life. I don’t care.

I need to ride.

it would have been a nice bike ride day

but I have to finish dad’s paperwork, which was due yesterday. I have to somehow get them to not decline the renewal. yeah right. Then I have to get mom’s done, for sometime this week. If the weather looks good anytime this week, I may take a day off and just do things I don’t get to do this weekend or next, or whatever. Once I get this done, I can work on me again. exercise and lose this weight I put back on. ride my bike. do some lifting. the things I want to do. paint, fix my bike up. write deep and true blog posts. oh and finish that website I have been putting off… uggh

  

too warm

I want it to get cold. Really. It has been too warm this December. 55 today, at 8am. Yeah, it means I can ride the bike this weekend if it does not drop too much. but is this setting up to pay us back come January and February? 

oh my. 

I realize I am a very lonely companionship deprived person. And I do weird things to alleviate that. But it does not work

quickly

no, she did not move into apt on Saturday. Or on Sunday. This Saturday will be the last day I will put up with this. Last day I ask anyone to do anything for her. Enough already

The sun is peeking thru the tree branches in the back yard, later and later. Next week it will be an hour earlier, but that won’t last too long. It will be dark when I leave work. uggh

I so much want to have my business back full throttle. But I also need the medical and other services that come with a real job. I failed my business. I did not make enough to take care of the business. Perhaps was because of the interlude of caring for them, or just me not really knowing how to run a business, or me not knowing how to fake it enough. I gave up.

I so much want to have my own business. 

moving day

We are moving mom into her new residence this wee end. She will not go peacefully I am afraid. I have a long list of things I need to get her, like a cell phone to appease her. Such a pain, but once this is done, I can rest. until her next crisis. Not had any since last year, so her record has gotten better. But I fear she will rebel against this move. uggh

Work has been busy again. Good. I hate it when it is slow, gives me too much time to think what if.

Unobtanium was briefly waited for, but decided being stoned at home was better so no wait long. Once home, I watched Amazon. No dancing. uggh

too many paragraphs ending with uggh today. Must be my general mood and a sense of the future. I pray I have no more problems with her, at least not until spring time.

So I close with baby picture

Great Gram and Violet

sadness

I am feeling rather sad today. I think I am questioning my leaving a job where I know what to expect, know what is, and I can handle, except for the constant fatigue and tiredness. Going into an unknown. If I wind up hating to go into the job every morning, after the first week, I will know. If I get up in the morning and I am tired still, I will know. Just that things are so uncertain. and I am so very alone. Things with mom and dad have been complicated greatly. Things are not getting better. And I will be having way more to do with them. That alone is enough to make any grown woman cry. And I want to one of these days, to know what I am to do in life.