Archive for life sucks

Another week

It has been three weeks. I find myself jokingly talking to him. Little quirky things like the car finally being quiet to drive. Or how his car is a gas hog. Or other little things I notice that he might like.

I am so alone now. 

No hearts

We never really did valentines day, him because he had no money, me cuz I just never wanted him to know that I cared. My biggest mistake… being the hard ass. Now there is no ability to express love. Again this is my biggest mistake. After the sex ended, why it ended I will never know, he ended it, I just did not want him to “win”.

Damn I was so stupid.

Will it feel better?

Last night I was filling the furnace and I looked at a red button and wondered if it was the one I needed to use to reset the furnace. Oh I should ask mike about it so I know.. and then I cried. I can’t ask him anything anymore. He did so much for me over the years that I never appreciated. I treated him like shit. I am so sorry Mike, So very sorry. You left me too soon mike. Too soon. We had a nice summer being planned. Now I have no one to do anything with. 

Melancholy

Went to work today. I was more outgoing than I think I have ever been. But inside I was in pain all day. Tonight in watching tv and doing my chores and in doing the fucking paperwork for mom still, I feel this sadness come over me like a fog. It is like my life is done too. On the other hand, I can now go to shows, yes alone. I don’t have to foot the bill for two tickets, just one. I can go over to Foxwoods at night and not have to worry about him. I can maybe socialize a bit more with people like me. Go to concerts in the park in Westerly. Or at the gazebo in town. Not worry that he would not like it and want to leave early.

Car is ready to blow up. I am going to start using Mikes until his brother comes for it. Put my car into the shop and fix it. 

And Lauren. I am going to start setting up the bail tomorrow for her. She has been in jail a week. 23 hr lockdown. Ha ha. She will live her life like this. It won’t sink in this time ether, there is no hope for her. She wants to stay here, and that is not going to be possible. I want no police coming here, no drama. And she does not know how to live without constant drama. And it is always about Lauren. I lost Mike and she is bitchin to me how bad she has it. We will see how hard she has it.

Darkness darkness, be my blanket
Cover my with the endless night
Take away away the pain of knowing
Fill the emptiness of right now
In the emptiness of right now
In the emptiness of right now

End of life

Mike is gone. I was with him when he passed. It was sudden. One minute he is asking me to help him get up he had to go to bathroom, the next minute he is lifeless. My heart was wrenched from my soul.

D00139770.pdf

I don’t know how to live by myself. I have no idea how I am going to hold things together. It is so hard. I loved him. Loved him more than I wanted to admit. He was my soulmate. And now I am so very alone.

If I have any readers of this blog, please go up to your spouse/partner and tell them how you feel. Don’t wait. And have them get all their end of life affairs in order, get all their passwords. Accounts, things they have going on. And do it yourself. 

Wubu Mike.

It is only

Moving mom has been difficult. But had to be done. I have a hard and time consuming chore ahead in the title 19 application. But it has to be done.
 Tonight i hope to be able to get all the smaller stuff out. We will see.
 Why is it me?
 
 
 – Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

the crap season

Lauren had a little of her drama. Not as much as most years. but still. Spent Christmas day taking mom to see dad. he was kinda out of it. Still, I had to spend the entire day. This past weekend was another long one, and I was again forced to spend an entire day taking care of mom. I took Lauren and Violet with me to make it more fun. But fuckin whole day to take care of her crap. 2 hours plus driving, two hours there at minimum to make it worth the drive. and still she complains. fuck me and my life.

Mike is an asshole. He started getting weak about three days ago. hard to get up off of couch. Of course, did he make the couch taller for his butt? no, that would be doing something in my house. Has he finished fixing up the bedroom so that we could move in a bed? ha! no fucking way. He would rather sit and play on his phone all day long promoting the hatred he subscribes to. Monday night he was sorta bad shape. Yesterday I could not reach him all day. I come home to his shit filled bareass kneeling on all four on the floor. maybe 2 feet from the phone to call someone, but would he do that? nooooooo too much effort. I had to clean him up, get him off the floor, get fluids into him because that shit wasn’t his only one of the day, clean up the shit everywhere in the house, get him back to reality, and then into agreeing to go to hospital. He would not. He slept in my bed with me, got up twice to go to bathroom, pee I guess, and pissed the bed too, fever was really high. 4am. I called out of work at 5:30 after I finally got him into bathroom to pee and then on to couch again. That took over an hour. he may have been delirious, or just being stubborn like dad was. Just like caring for him. fuck fuck fuck. He was stronger this morning, now he is back to being weak. He will not go to hospital, but I cannot keep picking him up like this. washing his shit clothes and blankets and towels now. Have to feed him again soon and get liquids into him. And he will probably short me again this month. fuckin bastard.

memories and tears

i went to granby house Saturday. check it out after the clean out. it is closing next tuesday. I was in it for about 5 minutes and the tears began to flow. the memories of things, of dad mainly. even with nothing in the house, the memories were overpowering. I left quickly. I think I may have left in the house, the old scrapbooks. oh well. they are gone. I do have boxes of photos, which I will eventually make sorted. but the school pictures, the report cards, the momentos, gone. 

i have been limping along, have to get dad’s title19 redetermination done. that will occupy my time the next few days. I won’t ride my bike until I have arranged the papers, and see what I have to get from bank. reward myself afterwards with normal living again. normal. yeah right.

lauren has been drinking a bit again. that is heartbreaking for my granddaughters sake, but there is really nothing I can do about it. I could confront her, but then I would never see Violet until lauren got straight. saying something might push her over again. I hate this walking on eggshells with her. it is what it is. life. 

obladioblada

summer blah

obladiobladah

He did not get oil as promised when he shorted me on the month’s “rent” Says he won’t be able to get it until August’s check. Which means he will short me again. Bastard. Damned if i have him here, damned if I don’t . bastard. 

I am riding regular, and loving it. I am in my element when I am riding. Next is to get a kayak. but maybe after I sink some money into fixing house. Might be a better thing to do. sigh Dog is over fence and I have to go retrieve her. you would think she would learn, but no…

the return 2

he is not going to return to jersey to live. seems like his son gave him the boot. in the way, can’t have friends, and probably the same things I have going on with him, the constant criticism of everything. but he did put money into the bank, not the full but some. so I guess I am going to be the lucky recipient of his junk, yet again.

car died yet again, so I am looking at getting a replacement. he continues in his own sweet time to try and fix it. I need to be free with a car. can’t go for a ride, can’t go visit mr mr, can’t go to a ballgame. sucks.

I have to do one last trip to Granby to get stuff, then the clean out happens and it gets put on the market. that is a positive. now I just have to go visit mom once every other week. joy joy

god, when did life get so fucking complicated, yet so simple