Archive for life sucks

the crap season

Lauren had a little of her drama. Not as much as most years. but still. Spent Christmas day taking mom to see dad. he was kinda out of it. Still, I had to spend the entire day. This past weekend was another long one, and I was again forced to spend an entire day taking care of mom. I took Lauren and Violet with me to make it more fun. But fuckin whole day to take care of her crap. 2 hours plus driving, two hours there at minimum to make it worth the drive. and still she complains. fuck me and my life.

Mike is an asshole. He started getting weak about three days ago. hard to get up off of couch. Of course, did he make the couch taller for his butt? no, that would be doing something in my house. Has he finished fixing up the bedroom so that we could move in a bed? ha! no fucking way. He would rather sit and play on his phone all day long promoting the hatred he subscribes to. Monday night he was sorta bad shape. Yesterday I could not reach him all day. I come home to his shit filled bareass kneeling on all four on the floor. maybe 2 feet from the phone to call someone, but would he do that? nooooooo too much effort. I had to clean him up, get him off the floor, get fluids into him because that shit wasn’t his only one of the day, clean up the shit everywhere in the house, get him back to reality, and then into agreeing to go to hospital. He would not. He slept in my bed with me, got up twice to go to bathroom, pee I guess, and pissed the bed too, fever was really high. 4am. I called out of work at 5:30 after I finally got him into bathroom to pee and then on to couch again. That took over an hour. he may have been delirious, or just being stubborn like dad was. Just like caring for him. fuck fuck fuck. He was stronger this morning, now he is back to being weak. He will not go to hospital, but I cannot keep picking him up like this. washing his shit clothes and blankets and towels now. Have to feed him again soon and get liquids into him. And he will probably short me again this month. fuckin bastard.

memories and tears

i went to granby house Saturday. check it out after the clean out. it is closing next tuesday. I was in it for about 5 minutes and the tears began to flow. the memories of things, of dad mainly. even with nothing in the house, the memories were overpowering. I left quickly. I think I may have left in the house, the old scrapbooks. oh well. they are gone. I do have boxes of photos, which I will eventually make sorted. but the school pictures, the report cards, the momentos, gone. 

i have been limping along, have to get dad’s title19 redetermination done. that will occupy my time the next few days. I won’t ride my bike until I have arranged the papers, and see what I have to get from bank. reward myself afterwards with normal living again. normal. yeah right.

lauren has been drinking a bit again. that is heartbreaking for my granddaughters sake, but there is really nothing I can do about it. I could confront her, but then I would never see Violet until lauren got straight. saying something might push her over again. I hate this walking on eggshells with her. it is what it is. life. 

obladioblada

summer blah

obladiobladah

He did not get oil as promised when he shorted me on the month’s “rent” Says he won’t be able to get it until August’s check. Which means he will short me again. Bastard. Damned if i have him here, damned if I don’t . bastard. 

I am riding regular, and loving it. I am in my element when I am riding. Next is to get a kayak. but maybe after I sink some money into fixing house. Might be a better thing to do. sigh Dog is over fence and I have to go retrieve her. you would think she would learn, but no…

the return 2

he is not going to return to jersey to live. seems like his son gave him the boot. in the way, can’t have friends, and probably the same things I have going on with him, the constant criticism of everything. but he did put money into the bank, not the full but some. so I guess I am going to be the lucky recipient of his junk, yet again.

car died yet again, so I am looking at getting a replacement. he continues in his own sweet time to try and fix it. I need to be free with a car. can’t go for a ride, can’t go visit mr mr, can’t go to a ballgame. sucks.

I have to do one last trip to Granby to get stuff, then the clean out happens and it gets put on the market. that is a positive. now I just have to go visit mom once every other week. joy joy

god, when did life get so fucking complicated, yet so simple

the return

he came back may 1. has been here, mooching off of me, the one who cannot afford it. He has not really improved in his criticizing me all the time. he has left my dishes for me to wash, but washes his dishes. until it comes to what he cooks in. He’s left that for me now, for 3 days. I will not wash them, he would not wash what I cook in. So they sit. He is fixing my car, at his own leisurely pace. I gave him $100 for parts he has spent maybe 30 of that and of course is broke now. I just bought a new part that will finally fix the radiator problem. One that he misdiagnosed from the start. I told him it was a hose. and what is it? a hose. last night I asked what was for dinner, he said, give me some money and I will go get it. Again, I had to pay for his food. makes me so much wanting to ask him to leave again. I think I can afford it and if not, I will be in the process of clearing out the house and selling it.

but enough. I have not ridden in some time, it has been raining and also, I have no car. I am dying to ride.

I was really sick with flu two weeks ago. delirious and in pretty bad shape. did he come in to the bedroom to see how I was? to ask if I needed anything? to offer to make me a soup or broth or get me water? no. fucking asshole.

I did lose 8 pounds, which was OK. If I can keep it off, or at was most of it off, that will be a nice side benefit. but next year, I am getting a flu shot. and shingles vaccine, and pneumonia shot. I won’t go through those three days again.

work

uggh I like the job, but get so friggin bored. meh.

I am planning on a photo month. June. should be nice.

I so much want to see Mr mr

and still the beat goes on

He came up two weeks ago. stayed until Monday. did not move out any shit, did not take care of anything he had to. So I am still here with his tons of crap, expected to take care of it. I will, straight to the trash.He did build Violets swing set. 

and me, I keep choogling along. Wondering how long I can hold out. I need companionship even if it is in the form of someone sleeping on the couch in the other room. A fact that he could have changed if he had just gone out and bought a bed, and put it in Jed’s old bedroom. but no, he has to be the martyr.

work is work. bike rides have been hard to come by since I am busy cleaning house to change it around andy get rid of junk so that if I need to move out, I can do it fast.

and i go on

speed demons

Im watching some evening clouds run across the sky like they are being chased by dragons. It is almost dark out and i sit waiting to see if mr mr shows up to honor my simple request. To at least return the money. He wont. I should be finishing my taxes so the money does not bother me as much. But I wont. At least I bought some shocktop. Make me feel a bit better.

When in my life will I get a break. When?

Fool

I have been a fool. So very much. What fools go off and do is write music about being a fool. I dont write music. I dont sing music. I dont perform or make music. I absorb music. But in absorbtion, no one else can help. No one else can colloborate. No one else can feel it. I have been such a fool. So much wasted time.
 
 
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mr mr and a state of disrepair

the latest first.

I cruised last night and he was parked. pretty early, like 8pm. I put weed money and a note on his car and went to watch from a distance. This guy came out to the roof, and I recognized him as the one mr mr hangs with. yup, he walked to the car and climbed inside. about 20 minutes later mr mr comes on out. and goes to car. I left. I am either out that money, or this weekend or next thursday I will have some weed.

so he is gay and it is not like I didn’t know. or he just likes to hang with younger men who supply him with weed maybe? I dunno. just a slap in the face to wake up. I had been slipping back into the fantasy world. I need to ride to clear things up. Tomorrow.

Last week, my car broke a front spring and I was without car for a few days, all weekend too. It was tough, but it was ok. The money spent was a lot, my vacation and or denture money. So I really did not have it to giveaway lat night, I hope my trust won’t be played. I just really don’t need anymore disappointments, or troubles.

Lauren has been drinking again. her last bout that she said was just christmas, was in fact from sum me onward and she never really quit. This time she may have quit. not sure. Now I stress about that too. Jed is drinking again, but he is in New Haven and not driving so he can do what he wants with his life. I don’t care.

I need to ride.

it would have been a nice bike ride day

but I have to finish dad’s paperwork, which was due yesterday. I have to somehow get them to not decline the renewal. yeah right. Then I have to get mom’s done, for sometime this week. If the weather looks good anytime this week, I may take a day off and just do things I don’t get to do this weekend or next, or whatever. Once I get this done, I can work on me again. exercise and lose this weight I put back on. ride my bike. do some lifting. the things I want to do. paint, fix my bike up. write deep and true blog posts. oh and finish that website I have been putting off… uggh