Archive for heart strings – Page 2

in time

Give myself a bit of time and i will be over mr mr. Reminded him this morning. Lets see if there is any action.

aint no sunshine when he’s gone

random song came into my head. cuz it’s raining today

ride. oh what a ride. I was still in the glow like after a night with a fine lover, hours after I rode. It was almost effortless. no huffing and wheezing. up the steep little rises  to the road at each crossover not getting winded. If I wasn’t expected home for dinner, I would have rode longer. as it was, I got 8 miles. I could have done more. Not even high either. That was so nice. I will try for a ride during the week after work now. Tomorrow is supposed to be real windy, today it rained. so we are looking at Wednesday. I’m cool with that. 

I am in a place now that I am not sad, just bitter. I wish he had the balls to just tell me to my face.And since he did explain to me that his life was just going to casino and then sitting in car listening to music loudly and smoking pot was his entire life, it was what he did, I guess he is for the most part, a loser. Addicted to something. Much like my infatuation years ago with Tommy. It is what I gravitate towards. But I did not want to fix, I just wanted a friend to talk to.

and again

I went to the garage at 2am. No product. Just an empty plastic bag in the gas well. So I left him a buddhist book. casino slum-dog.

and now it is time to ride. I have given up on the raleigh, I will strip it down to what ever I need off of it. Nothing really other than the gravel tires. I will work on getting the trek more comfy. that will be a bit of a job, but it will do for now. I save to go to bike building school next year, and build one of my own.

i ride because I need to burn off the craziness that is in my head.

mr mr and a state of disrepair

the latest first.

I cruised last night and he was parked. pretty early, like 8pm. I put weed money and a note on his car and went to watch from a distance. This guy came out to the roof, and I recognized him as the one mr mr hangs with. yup, he walked to the car and climbed inside. about 20 minutes later mr mr comes on out. and goes to car. I left. I am either out that money, or this weekend or next thursday I will have some weed.

so he is gay and it is not like I didn’t know. or he just likes to hang with younger men who supply him with weed maybe? I dunno. just a slap in the face to wake up. I had been slipping back into the fantasy world. I need to ride to clear things up. Tomorrow.

Last week, my car broke a front spring and I was without car for a few days, all weekend too. It was tough, but it was ok. The money spent was a lot, my vacation and or denture money. So I really did not have it to giveaway lat night, I hope my trust won’t be played. I just really don’t need anymore disappointments, or troubles.

Lauren has been drinking again. her last bout that she said was just christmas, was in fact from sum me onward and she never really quit. This time she may have quit. not sure. Now I stress about that too. Jed is drinking again, but he is in New Haven and not driving so he can do what he wants with his life. I don’t care.

I need to ride.

A chance sighting

On the way into work this morning on laurel hill, his car went by. 8:20am. He probably was taking his boyfriend home after a night at mosun. I saw the car and license plate, but did not have time to look inside the car. I know he saw me. I had done my routine last night, checked out the garage, but probably not late enough. I was tired after driving to check on granby. So i bet he is not going to be around tonigt. Which is ok. I guess. I just really want to talk to him.

requests ignored

I made that midnight, or shall I say 2am journey last week. Left him a request FF to Wednesday, cruise garage and lo… went n got his his birthday present, put it on his car. no show thursday. early early today left him a new note, asking why and to tell me to go away, face to face. after all, he did invite me into his world. Let’s see.

Rode today. I so much needed to ride.

silly

yeah it is october. yeah I am feeling very much like packing it all up and moving to a studio apt in some city, or some town. If I had been wiser and not so dumb when younger, I would have had a college education to match my IQ and a nice life long job and retirement savings and a plan. And I could do that. Instead I am still inside this fucked up being, who lives partially in a fantasy world, working like a first-timer in a job, with no savings, no retirement, and the future of at least another 10 years of working just so I can live. 

unobtanium was there thursday night, again. but i did not leave a note. give him a few weeks of confidence. but I need to talk.

chilly morning, I will unload the car and then load it up with my bike and go up to the air line trail for a ride. not ridden in 2 weeks. that is not good. I must ride every weekend at least once. just to keep the saddle bone in shape. this week coming up, I am planning on getting the old raleigh finished and rideable. then I take a look at getting the old crescent on the road as a tourer, if I can fit a triple crank on it, I will be good. the older frames have narrower rear dropout width, not able to take the modern 10 speed rear clusters. Maybe a doubt crank will work with a really low gear in back. find a cassette hub that fits. But my eyes are really on a disc brake trek or salsa vaya. even a raleigh clubman would do. and for sure a surly cross check disc. I may still yet do a tour. if I win the lottery.

and I dream on

thank you mother nature

175226W5_NL_sm

Sure hope this stays true. Could not deal with a hurricane this week. Or any week to be honest.

Unobtanium screw up last night. and I run scared. But it is what it is. I want to be a hermit. or a nun maybe.

Reading reading and deciding

been reading up on AS and relationships. I am not sure if i can handle it. Everything i am reading makes me want to run away. Cuz there aint gonna be any cuddling. I am kinda scared that even though i am reading and wanting to run away, i also want to make it happen.

And yes, i should be sleeping…

Oh my

that was one weird date night. Probably the strangest on record. Aspergers definitely. My lord. Not what I expected. Not at all. 

Full stop. Drop the anchor. This one is not at all sane. I knew he was a bit off center. But this far is maybe too much. Maybe it was the weed, maybe it was the day of drinking he did, maybe he is just fucked up burnt out. Whatever it is, I still am drawn.