Archive for heart strings

Kindness from strangers

When i got home Wednesday, there was a box of flowers from bouqs.com at the front door. I had mentioned to my StitchFix stylist that i liked all the pieces sent, but because i had not yet figured out a budget with out my recently passed spouses income, i could not afford two of the pieces of clothes. The flowers were from stitch fix. I was so amazed that they cared enough to send. I think they have a customer for life now.

A poem I read I think on an obit page

Death is a heartache
No one can heal
But love leaves a memory
No one can steal

Condolences from people are supposedly to help you feel better about the loss. They don’t help. Nothing can help. They say you will see your loved one again in heaven. Will I see him again? No. And I am not about to test the theory out either anytime soon. No one really knows either.

This totally sucks. Thanks to him, my life is emptier than it was before, lonelier than it was. Empty. I hate this feeling. I hate thinking about him constantly. I hate feeling abandoned. Just like when he left three years ago. But this time I can’t cry to him to come back. Well, I can but not in reality. All of this feels so surreal. Like a dream. Like a bad movie. This so totally sucks.

Another week

It has been three weeks. I find myself jokingly talking to him. Little quirky things like the car finally being quiet to drive. Or how his car is a gas hog. Or other little things I notice that he might like.

I am so alone now. 

No hearts

We never really did valentines day, him because he had no money, me cuz I just never wanted him to know that I cared. My biggest mistake… being the hard ass. Now there is no ability to express love. Again this is my biggest mistake. After the sex ended, why it ended I will never know, he ended it, I just did not want him to “win”.

Damn I was so stupid.

all eyes on deck

didnt ride today. i wanted to but time kinda got away on me. and it got HOT summertime style. so get up early and see if i can beat the bugs. really need to clear my head
 
 not taking my eyes off the prize tonight. find out for sure if my hunch is correct. and then what?
 
 i need to create something soon. what?
 
 
 
 
 – Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

the days fly

nothing big happening. grandson is not here yet. granddaughter is one fine 2 1/2 year old. smart and stubborn and exactly who she is.

chasing unobtanium has gone deD. not seen his old car at woods, did see for sale sign on it few months ago. maybe fired, maybe quit, maybe homeless living in a new vehicle. we will see tonight.

riding has been hampered by lots of rain, and family. im hoping to ramp it up much more before baby comes.

the crowd went crazy

and i just want to find my way to sanity again. wasted so much of my life chasing things that were never meant for me instead of things that i needed for a real life of fufillment. stupid stupid me

note to self: he left parking lot right in front of me while i was writing this post. stupid stupid me. i cant believe it. but he did go towards woods, i caught up. but dunkin called to him, i know he only got maybe 4 hours sleep max. next week maybe – Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so what’s that you say?

yeah, write more on the personal blog. ok so I will…
I am hoping to get out riding after work this week. Maybe even tonight. Last weekend it was too friggin cold and i was suffering from a nasty cold, still am, and it looks like this weekend may be the same. might even snow. uggh. 

pulled out my easel the other day. i will pull out my paints too. i need to create something. anything. writing, painting drawing or making bread. that is an idea for the weekend!  We see.

my update on mr mr is that i have not been able to track him down. no car in the garage on his work nights. it was parked at his house with a for sale sign i think two weeks ago? i think he lost his job at the woods. tough for a guy with no skills per se, at his age to lose a job. might get a bit more aggressive in finding out what happened. maybe even a visit to the woods on a weekend night? ummmm yeah.

why am I still obsessed with him? unobtanium? maybe.
 

not much to say

past month was a blur. rode, crashed and sliced my ankle. also more severely hurt my shoulder. my elbow on the same arm has not improved, I think it will only get better with a different setup on the bike.

Not seen mr mr. Not made a real effort either. but that is ok. I will see him this month somehow. jerk face has been that. but handy to have around to fix car when it is broke. so next one occupying the position had better be a decent wrench. 

my little granddaughter is growing and getting more people-y. Talking to the point where I can understand her better. adventurous and funny, and a happy kid. Lauren is still having bouts with her drinking, she will always be that way, I have to accept that. I hate it for her child. She may be pregnant again. that will keep her from drinking for 9 more months, and for a while after so she can nurse. but I always fear for the call. 

I want to go away. supposed to go to Maine this weekend, with my limited funds. the car breaking the other day kinda put that on the back burner. so it is still something I want to do this year. see the ocean at dawn. or see the mountains at dawn. not the stupid street lights. we will get there

with whom though? 

what a year

yeah, the past year and some has been wonderful. with the exception of not seeing mr mr, it is good. the summer of my 63rd year is good. lots of bike rides, all winter even, fun with my granddaughter who is running circles around me, the paul mc cartney concert, baseball games with john and our constant conversations, the yankee game sitting in the sports bar on the hottest day of the year. yeah. now to take the momentum into the autumn and keep riding when I can, keep pursuing the elusive mr mr, and develop some new skills. yeah

hotness

yeah summer threw open the door and stormed on in. Makes riding miserable. Mr mr has still not been to the rooftop. I am getting close to going to the garage and leave him a note. Next week is last one then contact. I need to sit with him just once. I need to confirm he is what he is, so my heart can forget him.

and tomorrow is the concert and I will be joyful. ecstatic. 

speed demons

Im watching some evening clouds run across the sky like they are being chased by dragons. It is almost dark out and i sit waiting to see if mr mr shows up to honor my simple request. To at least return the money. He wont. I should be finishing my taxes so the money does not bother me as much. But I wont. At least I bought some shocktop. Make me feel a bit better.

When in my life will I get a break. When?