Archive for heart strings

so what’s that you say?

yeah, write more on the personal blog. ok so I will…
I am hoping to get out riding after work this week. Maybe even tonight. Last weekend it was too friggin cold and i was suffering from a nasty cold, still am, and it looks like this weekend may be the same. might even snow. uggh. 

pulled out my easel the other day. i will pull out my paints too. i need to create something. anything. writing, painting drawing or making bread. that is an idea for the weekend!  We see.

my update on mr mr is that i have not been able to track him down. no car in the garage on his work nights. it was parked at his house with a for sale sign i think two weeks ago? i think he lost his job at the woods. tough for a guy with no skills per se, at his age to lose a job. might get a bit more aggressive in finding out what happened. maybe even a visit to the woods on a weekend night? ummmm yeah.

why am I still obsessed with him? unobtanium? maybe.
 

not much to say

past month was a blur. rode, crashed and sliced my ankle. also more severely hurt my shoulder. my elbow on the same arm has not improved, I think it will only get better with a different setup on the bike.

Not seen mr mr. Not made a real effort either. but that is ok. I will see him this month somehow. jerk face has been that. but handy to have around to fix car when it is broke. so next one occupying the position had better be a decent wrench. 

my little granddaughter is growing and getting more people-y. Talking to the point where I can understand her better. adventurous and funny, and a happy kid. Lauren is still having bouts with her drinking, she will always be that way, I have to accept that. I hate it for her child. She may be pregnant again. that will keep her from drinking for 9 more months, and for a while after so she can nurse. but I always fear for the call. 

I want to go away. supposed to go to Maine this weekend, with my limited funds. the car breaking the other day kinda put that on the back burner. so it is still something I want to do this year. see the ocean at dawn. or see the mountains at dawn. not the stupid street lights. we will get there

with whom though? 

what a year

yeah, the past year and some has been wonderful. with the exception of not seeing mr mr, it is good. the summer of my 63rd year is good. lots of bike rides, all winter even, fun with my granddaughter who is running circles around me, the paul mc cartney concert, baseball games with john and our constant conversations, the yankee game sitting in the sports bar on the hottest day of the year. yeah. now to take the momentum into the autumn and keep riding when I can, keep pursuing the elusive mr mr, and develop some new skills. yeah

hotness

yeah summer threw open the door and stormed on in. Makes riding miserable. Mr mr has still not been to the rooftop. I am getting close to going to the garage and leave him a note. Next week is last one then contact. I need to sit with him just once. I need to confirm he is what he is, so my heart can forget him.

and tomorrow is the concert and I will be joyful. ecstatic. 

speed demons

Im watching some evening clouds run across the sky like they are being chased by dragons. It is almost dark out and i sit waiting to see if mr mr shows up to honor my simple request. To at least return the money. He wont. I should be finishing my taxes so the money does not bother me as much. But I wont. At least I bought some shocktop. Make me feel a bit better.

When in my life will I get a break. When?

in time

Give myself a bit of time and i will be over mr mr. Reminded him this morning. Lets see if there is any action.

aint no sunshine when he’s gone

random song came into my head. cuz it’s raining today

ride. oh what a ride. I was still in the glow like after a night with a fine lover, hours after I rode. It was almost effortless. no huffing and wheezing. up the steep little rises  to the road at each crossover not getting winded. If I wasn’t expected home for dinner, I would have rode longer. as it was, I got 8 miles. I could have done more. Not even high either. That was so nice. I will try for a ride during the week after work now. Tomorrow is supposed to be real windy, today it rained. so we are looking at Wednesday. I’m cool with that. 

I am in a place now that I am not sad, just bitter. I wish he had the balls to just tell me to my face.And since he did explain to me that his life was just going to casino and then sitting in car listening to music loudly and smoking pot was his entire life, it was what he did, I guess he is for the most part, a loser. Addicted to something. Much like my infatuation years ago with Tommy. It is what I gravitate towards. But I did not want to fix, I just wanted a friend to talk to.

and again

I went to the garage at 2am. No product. Just an empty plastic bag in the gas well. So I left him a buddhist book. casino slum-dog.

and now it is time to ride. I have given up on the raleigh, I will strip it down to what ever I need off of it. Nothing really other than the gravel tires. I will work on getting the trek more comfy. that will be a bit of a job, but it will do for now. I save to go to bike building school next year, and build one of my own.

i ride because I need to burn off the craziness that is in my head.

mr mr and a state of disrepair

the latest first.

I cruised last night and he was parked. pretty early, like 8pm. I put weed money and a note on his car and went to watch from a distance. This guy came out to the roof, and I recognized him as the one mr mr hangs with. yup, he walked to the car and climbed inside. about 20 minutes later mr mr comes on out. and goes to car. I left. I am either out that money, or this weekend or next thursday I will have some weed.

so he is gay and it is not like I didn’t know. or he just likes to hang with younger men who supply him with weed maybe? I dunno. just a slap in the face to wake up. I had been slipping back into the fantasy world. I need to ride to clear things up. Tomorrow.

Last week, my car broke a front spring and I was without car for a few days, all weekend too. It was tough, but it was ok. The money spent was a lot, my vacation and or denture money. So I really did not have it to giveaway lat night, I hope my trust won’t be played. I just really don’t need anymore disappointments, or troubles.

Lauren has been drinking again. her last bout that she said was just christmas, was in fact from sum me onward and she never really quit. This time she may have quit. not sure. Now I stress about that too. Jed is drinking again, but he is in New Haven and not driving so he can do what he wants with his life. I don’t care.

I need to ride.

A chance sighting

On the way into work this morning on laurel hill, his car went by. 8:20am. He probably was taking his boyfriend home after a night at mosun. I saw the car and license plate, but did not have time to look inside the car. I know he saw me. I had done my routine last night, checked out the garage, but probably not late enough. I was tired after driving to check on granby. So i bet he is not going to be around tonigt. Which is ok. I guess. I just really want to talk to him.