Went to work today. I was more outgoing than I think I have ever been. But inside I was in pain all day. Tonight in watching tv and doing my chores and in doing the fucking paperwork for mom still, I feel this sadness come over me like a fog. It is like my life is done too. On the other hand, I can now go to shows, yes alone. I don’t have to foot the bill for two tickets, just one. I can go over to Foxwoods at night and not have to worry about him. I can maybe socialize a bit more with people like me. Go to concerts in the park in Westerly. Or at the gazebo in town. Not worry that he would not like it and want to leave early.

Car is ready to blow up. I am going to start using Mikes until his brother comes for it. Put my car into the shop and fix it. 

And Lauren. I am going to start setting up the bail tomorrow for her. She has been in jail a week. 23 hr lockdown. Ha ha. She will live her life like this. It won’t sink in this time ether, there is no hope for her. She wants to stay here, and that is not going to be possible. I want no police coming here, no drama. And she does not know how to live without constant drama. And it is always about Lauren. I lost Mike and she is bitchin to me how bad she has it. We will see how hard she has it.

Darkness darkness, be my blanket
Cover my with the endless night
Take away away the pain of knowing
Fill the emptiness of right now
In the emptiness of right now
In the emptiness of right now